The first is the most difficult

As I write this, my first blog post, I don't expect much. Not much in the way of it making sense, being orderly, not having some spelling and grammatical errors and not just plain sad. I have always written when I have been sad as I find it therapeutic, but I have had a hard time getting myself to start this even though I want to and Robby set it up days ago. The problem is once I start it, it is just another step to the finality of it all. The finality that dad is gone. Something I say to me myself every single day, multiple times a day and still get teary just thinking about it. I don't know how to heal. All I know how to do right now is hurt. And be angry and confused and at times in denial. I just don't understand why dad had to leave this earth before I think he was ready. He was incredibly sad at the end, but I will NEVER believe he was ready to die yet. Not because he was afraid to die, because dad would have never been afraid to die, he was too much of a believer to be afraid, but because of what he was leaving behind. Not me so much, but his grandchildren. No matter how sad he was his beautiful granddaughters could heal anything, or so I thought I just can't make sense out of it all. And they way he died is very hard for me to deal with. Alone, unknown, with no job, no insurance, heartbroken. No one should have to die that way. Especially my dad. To know I will never truly know what happened to him will eat at me forever. I try to think about what the preacher said at grandpa's funeral a mear 9 months ago that our family and friends are on this earth as a lone from God and they are not ours to keep. We should be grateful for the time we were given on this loan. That statement makes so much sense and I truly believe those words. But I selfishly think dad's loan should have been longer. He was only 60 for God's sake. Explain to me how it is possible that his time was up? I want to believe he is happy and pain free in heaven. That he is there to be an angel for reasons unknown, but I just can't get past the need to still have him here. I can't past the thought that he will never call again, that he will never walk up my front steps again and sit in my recliner in my living room, smile at Ava and watch her grow. That I will never hear his voice again. I keep asking for him to send me signs to help comfort me. I have been given a few but it has been a couple weeks and I need more. I am so sorry your are gone daddy. I have no idea how to go on without you. You loved us too much to just leave without notice. Am I grateful for the last few special months we had, sure, but it wasn't enough, it will never be enough. You never got to use your knees , teach Robby golf, go bowling, go to Disney, go to Capt Hirams. I am eternally sorry for letting you down and not making your simplest dreams come true. I am sorry for all our fights and the days I couldn't stop long enough to listen to you. I will always remember the last day I spoke to you one week before you died. You called me at work and made me laugh about your resume and job application, but I wish I could just freeze that moment in time forever. Why did you go and leave us here to hurt? I am hanging onto these Diamond Rio songs. I know how much you loved them and know they are true. Could you just send me a sign soon. I need it. I love you Dad ,more than you will ever know. I miss you every minute of every day.